Internal and External Processors

Think to talk. Talk to think.

There is this fascinating thing about humans: we tend to think everyone feels and experiences the world the same way we do.

But really, people are different! So different! Understanding that and being curious about it can really deepen our relationships.

And one significant area where we can differ is processing styles.

Internal processors - think to talk

External processors - talk to think

When an internal processor is contemplating an idea, whether it’s what they want for dinner or if they want to quit an activity they been doing for years, they want to think about it alone. They go through the iterations, the feelings, the steps needed and draw their conclusion. When they bring you an idea, it’s basically ready for action.

When an external processor is contemplating an idea, they want to talk about it. They want to see all the possibilities out in front of them, to bounce them off people. And if you’re their parent, partner or friend, they want to bounce them off you. They learn how they feel about something by processing it out loud with others. They try on things that they have no intention of doing and make statements that feel, to an internal processor, like definitive calls to action. Yet these ideas are often promptly forgotten as they fine tune their thinking and draw new conclusions.

They will also want to bounce your ideas around. And if you aren’t an external processor, that can feel incredibly discounting and even invasive. On the other hand, if you walk away to think about their idea, they can feel ignored and abandoned.

You can see how that can go sideways quickly!

Understanding these differences can help you set up an environment where both can thrive. Knowing if you are an internal or external processor can be helpful information for your family members. And learning how your child processes things is critical to understanding who they are.

When the external processor comes to you and they are throwing out ideas to make school better or to leave school all together, they are just thoughts. It’s your first clue that something isn’t feeling good, but it’s still early on in the process for them as well. Providing them that space to throw around ideas without judgment and to feel heard about their experience, deepens the understanding of the situation for you both.

If your internally processing child comes to you wanting to leave school or not go to school, it’s serious. They have been mulling and thinking about it for a long time. So, being careful not to be flippant or dismissive will help you stay connected as you navigate what’s happening. There is room to be curious but with an understanding that they have been thinking about this for a while. Remember, it can be a vulnerable feeling for an internal processor to bring their ideas to someone else. Especially when it’s something they feel they don’t have control over. So, being a kind, receptive ear will help them feel safe to open up. And, from that place, there can be room to think about options and look for underlying needs.

Remembering that people are different helps us show up more thoughtfully for our kids. When we understand whether they need time and space to think things through, or they need to talk things out as part of their process, we can respond in ways that feel supportive rather than judgmental or dismissive. Honoring their personal processing style builds trust, keeps the lines of communication open, and strengthens our relationship.